<![CDATA[JORIS GJATA, PHD

<![CDATA[JORIS GJATA, PHD - blog]]>Sat, 25 Oct 2025 11:36:36 -0400Weebly<![CDATA[I've Got The Power! Now What?]]>Fri, 08 Mar 2024 21:57:16 GMThttps://www.jorisgjata.com/blog/ive-got-the-power-now-what

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
- Alice Walker (the first Black American woman to win a Pulitzer Prize in fiction for her novel "The Color Purple.")

I confess.
I have done this - thinking I do not have power.
I was one of those people who felt like power was not important to have or aspire to, because in my experience I was never in power. Powerlessness - I learned it in childhood. The powerlessness I learned looked like not seeing my power when in relationship with others or at the best hiding it, treasuring its energy for a time more ripe to be released and expressed in the world.

What is different now?
I have gotten to know the parts of me that held this belief that I am powerless. Now, I am friends with those parts of me. I have witnessed the pain they held. Now, they trust me to be there with them, not alone anymore in moments feeling in pain and powerless. I have learned that being aware of one’s power means starting to build an important skill for inclusive and authentic leadership.

It took me a long time to get to where I am: embracing and leading with my power in relationships - at home and at work. And I did not do it alone - of course! I had so many learning partners on the way here, and I still rely on so many partnerships to sustain my truth. Being in partnership for me means acknowledging that learning happens in relationship with others and I am not alone but part of a broader community of beings that support my growth.

So, when did I first become aware of having power and being responsible for its use? I do remember very clearly the moment I got to think about my own power for the first time. It was 2014 and I was pursuing my PhD in sociology at the University of Virginia. I was taking a course on qualitative research methods, specifically on in-depth interviews. And though I had done the readings, these words struck me as very foreign at the time. “You have the power. You as the researcher/interviewer have the power.” Those words stopped me in my tracks.

“Wait, what?!” I thought to myself. “I do not understand. What power do I have? I am simply a well-meaning hard-working sincere graduate student who cares about learning and is curious about others. So as a researcher I am just open and in service of my interviewees and research participants. There is no power whatsoever in this relationship.” It makes sense that I had this reaction. During my undergraduate and my first masters degrees, I studied international relations and international economics, where power was recognized mostly as a structural force, something nation states or governments or organizations exerted–not individuals. In this framework, if you were not a politician or working for a government or corporation or an organization, if you were an individual and a student like me, you did not have power. Indeed, there are people who study “soft power”--which is about influence through diplomacy and media. However, that was perceived and taught as inferior compared to ‘hard power’--which was about military might and economic dominance. At the end of the day, I was left with the realization that I had made my own power invisible. Moreover, I also noticed that most of my socialization - at home and at school - worked to keep it that way.

“You have power. You have the power.” That phrase landed in my chest as if a seed was put on the ground supporting my heart, waiting to receive nourishment and spring out fully through a young stem, unfolding with leaves and flowers. It was a valuable seed of awareness for the researcher part of me who wanted to honor the relationship with my research participants and all contributors. It offered a reminder to always check my phrasing of questions, how I held space to allow for silence and be welcoming to the different paces at which people responded, whether I held any judgment towards certain answers, or how I analyzed the responses I collected. But sometimes when responses were expressed in numbers, it was difficult to hold that sense of responsibility about my powerful role as the researcher. It was easy to forget sometimes that behind the numbers there were people, humans, faces, lives, souls. And I focused my studies on how organizations gain power, still highlighting the importance of organizational culture and leadership in this process.

However, something shifted again after graduating in 2017: I joined a research team at the University of Colorado Boulder, which involved working with design professionals - architects and civil engineers - who were involved in different forms of social justice efforts. Learning about these activist professionals offered the first drops of water and nourishment to my seed of power awareness. I had the privilege to interview, observe and learn from these design professionals who were trying to make sense of their role in society and shape their professions to support social justice. In the process of listening to them, I learned that making visible one’s power, recognizing power in relationships, is a mark of inclusive and authentic leadership. When one’s power is embraced and respected in its many forms, it can be amplified in partnership with others and in community.

Yes, it all starts in community and lives in community. Growing this seed of awareness of our own power and tending to it has been possible thanks to many partnerships–with a therapist, my child, a supporting partner, friends, colleagues, pets, and nature.

Reclaiming my power was scary at first. There were parts of me who were afraid of having power, holding it, moving around with it, and expressing it. It meant becoming responsible for all outcomes and having the courage to make mistakes and trusting in getting back on my feet over and over. But I started with giving permission to myself to start with holding and working with just a small amount of power. I decided to understand powerlessness as meaning “less power”, so I could start to practice with it.

For example, my journey with motherhood has been an ongoing practice with being aware of, learning about and using my power to deepen the connections I have in my life: with my kid, myself and my partner. The “I have the power” seed went into full bloom during my training with the Jai Institute for Parenting. I learned about “power with” parenting, which is different from a “power over” approach in that it recognizes that all have power, the right to hold power, being seen as powerful, even though developmentally and societally the adults - parents or caretakers - have more power in the relationship with children. So now my dance with the power flower in bloom close to my heart looks like this: I embrace my responsibility and I am not afraid of my power to shape my kids’ future, therefore I can provide space and opportunities for my kid to learn about and express their own unique power. In other words, I have learned that allowing myself to embrace my own power meant letting my child embrace theirs.

I have developed this awareness of power for some time: in the role of the researcher, partner, mother, team leader. I have seen and experienced how having power has opened the doors for deepening my connection with my kid and in all my relationships. I have seen how managers’ and leaders’ actions impact the self-worth and dignity of employees under them. Power when made invisible, when not recognized in oneself, will end up damaging relationships, weakening connections, and decreasing a sense of belonging that is essential to our future and the next generation of leaders and caretakers. Because invisible power works against those who cannot and those who have not learned to wield their own.

So, to sum up: adults, parents, managers - you’ve got the power. Now what?
Let others - your kids, partners, friends, coworkers - have some too. Be generous, there is plenty within you and plenty in partnerships. Power is not a scarce resource where one’s accumulation leads to others’ lack. The more we share the more we gain. We all need to practice and learn about our unique power. It is ok to be afraid, AND you don’t have to be alone in the fear. Give one hand to Fear’s twin - Courage, and nurture yourself and the future.

]]><![CDATA[What Do Barbie, Winter Solstice & Authentic Parenting Have in Common?]]>Fri, 22 Dec 2023 01:59:54 GMThttps://www.jorisgjata.com/blog/what-does-barbie-winter-solstice-authentic-parenting-have-in-common

Winter Solstice ceremony with the candles my family lit before our delicious dinner, Newton, MA, December 21, 2023

Well, maybe it is not obvious, but the answer is "a lot of darkness".

They all help us see how embracing the darkness in ourselves leads to deeper connection - to ourselves and to others.

When acknowledged, validated, and embraced, when approached with curiosity and experienced for what it holds safe and nourishes, darkness gives way to light and flourishing.

Winter solstice in the Northern Hemisphere of the world marks the longest night and the shortest day. Today some of us will be surrounded by more darkness and less light, and tomorrow we will slowly receive more and more light in our life. It is a moment to acknowledge how darkness and light are part of the same daytime and how we experience each of them to different degrees at different times. Though they are always together - in connection. And we are touched by them, all connected and interrelated. Though as human beings with technologies to make light - fire, candles, electricity - we sometimes tend to escape darkness, to move away from it. The solstice is a reminder of the opportunity to experience and be with darkness more. I am grateful for the refuge more darkness provides, to rest and use my nourishment to become ready for my future growth and flourishing.

Yes, we get the winter solstice, you would say. But how is Barbie dark? Isn’t Barbie about pink and all things light? Part of it is pink and light but underlying the movie is the importance of facing darkness, facing one’s perfectly imperfect journey, and one’s humanity, all in relationships with others - friends, partners, family. For me, the movie holds so much wisdom about relationships, especially those between parents and children. One of the take-aways is hidden in a simple scene between Gloria - a mom who works for Mattel - and her teen daughter Sasha as they are returning to their world in a pink car leaving Barbie depressed and somehow frozen in her helplessness in Barbieland. (sorry for the spoilers to those who have not watched the movie yet)

Sasha insists that they have to go back and not give up on Barbie. The mom first feels defeated herself. But her daughter mentions how much she loves the Barbies her mom draws - Barbies that are depressed, have cellulite, and have thoughts of death. At that very moment, surprised to hear how her kiddo loves her not pink or light filled drawings, the mom gets the courage and energy to go back and save Barbie and Barbieland. Sasha embraces her mom’s dark parts, and tells her she loves those drawings because they are “dark and crazy: everything you pretend not to be.”

This kiddo could see her mom pretending to keep things bright and jolly and sweet for her. She could see how her mom was trying to keep her dark and crazy and struggles (depression barbie, irrepressible-thoughts-of-death barbie, cellulite-barbie) away from her. Sasha wanted to see her mom own her beautiful dark and crazy parts, not try to pretend to be and feel something else - fulfilled and having-it-all-together. At that moment you can see the connection bloom between the mom and her kiddo. They turn back and together as a team, as partners, proud of each other’s dark but authentic human parts, they are able to save all Barbies, and strengthen their relationship.

How can sharing some darkness strengthen a relationship? First, it shows that you trust the person you are sharing with to be there for you unconditionally. You trust to see your dark part and your vulnerability as what it is - one part of you, and not all of you. So being able to hold and stay in the darkness together means relying on your togetherness to hold hope, and informs both parts that they are not alone, especially in dark times. For Sasha the teen, her mom Gloria modeled how she can stand true to her experience and advocate for respect for her contributions - whether that is seen as dark or crazy by some. For Gloria the mom Sasha became a partner to work with, a team member as together they work to advocate for women’s contributions in society. When Sasha feels depressed, or has thoughts of death, or cellulite, or some other not-to-mention, to-fix-or-solve-imperfect thought, guess who she is talking to and sharing it with? Because darkness is part of the cycle of life - a very productive one. Gestation is done in the darkness of the womb and is necessary for holding light and sharing light. When we do not judge someone for their dark parts and see the beauty of that darkness we end up helping them sustain and hold on to their light parts too.

So, this winter solstice and these holidays I invite all of you, especially parents:

If it feels safe enough for you where you are right now,
to move a step closer to your dark and crazy and perfectly human imperfect parts.
And if it feels safe enough for your where you are right now,
to see which little bit of that experience with your darkness will you share with your kiddos and others that matter to you,
knowing that it will bring more connection to all.

Authentic parenting means showing up imperfect and bringing to light darkness with love and curiosity.

May darkness shed light on you!

Reflection Prompt

What was a time you felt like you shared a dark part of you with your loved ones? I know it is difficult. For me, it was sharing my tears with my kiddo, when I was tired or frustrated with a situation. That sharing really gave them permission to cry and feel their feelings, and notice their impact on their body and mind. I am grateful for those moments and those are plenty. Share a moment from your life, if it feels safe to do so, and it is ok if not yet! May you access the wisdom of your plenty within and find your partners in belonging!

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